In Honor of Our Little One

It was May 1st when Laurence and I learned about the pregnancy through a home test kit. We were looking discreetly at each other from time to time with winks and smirks and some pinching here and there. I felt so happy, excited, overwhelmed and the I-can’t-believe-it-is-still-possible feeling. I was scared to be pregnant because of my lower back problem that has been a struggle since I gave birth to Michelle more than a decade ago. I used two brands and did three tests in two days to make sure I was not dreaming.

When my husband and I went to an OB Gyn two weeks after my home test, we saw the most exciting ultrasound ever. Seeing the little bean inside my womb flickering with a 129 bpm, I can’t hide my smile. I am really confirmed pregnant and that was the happiest feeling.

For more than two weeks we kept silent about the news of our baby to our two kids. We want to break the news after the final confirmation and show them the ultrasound video. It was hard to tell Michelle since she wants to be the youngest in the family and the idea of having another baby would break her heart. She was teary eyed upon learning of the great news. She was hiding her emotions but later on accepted the idea of welcoming a baby. After that she was the most excited person in the house to welcome our baby which was due January 6, 2014. So that night we celebrated over dinner at Haiku Teppanyaki in Pacific Beach.

I had a somewhat difficult but manageable first trimester in the sense that I can’t prepare food for my family. My olfactory receptors are very much on the loose and actively working, telling me to hide when someone’s cooking. Even the cutest of spring flowers from afar can’t hide it’s smell from me. Bad and good smells are the same for me. I can’t even tolerate the scent of hand soap. The food that I love eating before would be unpleasant for me but noodles of any kind seemed irresistible.

Everyday we would talk about the baby. I would envision my baby to be very active like Dash in the movie The Incredibles. I know that baby would be so active and we’re excited no matter what. We talked about situations where the baby would get all of Adrian’s airplanes and Michelle’s teddy bears and scatter them all around the house. I would imagine the baby getting any pen or marker and doodle in our white leather sofa. I see the baby would be interested in plucking the strings of guitars, violins and ukuleles and play some notes in the piano. I visualize the baby would be amused by the noise the plays that Finn and Cake (our parakeets) would make. Even in the craziest possible scenario, I love the idea of having a little baby here around us and we are prepared and ready to embrace the crazy world of raising him or her. I can’t imagine if I would be able to be as disciplinarian as before. Many times I would talk to myself about the possibility of myself pampering the baby and let my husband be the one doing the “rod thing”.  But that’s just a thought, I know that we should be the one to discipline our kids and not let them like Eli in the Bible who didn’t restrain his children when needed be. We know that as God entrusts a child to our care, there’s a lot of responsibilities and we are ready for that.

My thoughts would go as far as my third baby would be playing either a cello or piano. I know very well that kuya Ad and ate Mich would influence our baby. We will home school the baby early and Michelle was so excited to think about it.

Wherever we go I start looking for a baby proof place. In church, we imagine our first few years sitting on the mother-infant friendly seats. I began looking for changing tables at every restrooms in restaurants and shopping areas we frequent. Wherever we shop, we always look around for baby items.

Every Monday my two kids would accompany me walking around the block to have a simple exercise and at the same time celebrating the baby’s weekly growth. But on the 12th week, something unexpected happen… and I could not continue to write until now.

Exactly a year ago, I had bleeding that led me to an emergency room of Scripps Mary Birch Hospital. I had the most emotionally and physically painful event in my life. The pain was so intense to the point of passing out. I was given a narcotics-type of pain reliever that caused me severe nausea and headache. I lost the baby, that was the most dreadful thing.

Healing is a long process and still ongoing. With a great support from my family, friends and even people I don’t know and the Lord’s healing, I was able to overcome grief. It was such a difficult time for me last year but I was consoled by the dream I had before the miscarriage. In my dream I saw my baby. Face to face with an adorable baby with very expressive smiling eyes, he introduced himself as Luke. Weird, right? How can a baby talk without opening his mouth and introduce himself. Anyway, Luke told me that he is okay and that I don’t have to worry about him. Then I woke up. I was happy that morning and I told everyone I saw the baby’s handsome face but something in me felt that there’s something wrong. I just ignored it and realized it later on.

I was comforted by God. He let me realize that it was not my fault and I still have two more children to care for. I have to move on coz I’m alive, as the lyrics of the song by MercyMe below says:

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s been a year. Everything was by the grace of God at work specially in times of grief. No more flood of tears just tear drops.